


Wisconsin

by tallestgirlonearth



Series: I was only for your very space [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Inspired by Music, Introspection, M/M, Post-Canon, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:46:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28242600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tallestgirlonearth/pseuds/tallestgirlonearth
Summary: Sonny is a family man, deeply Catholic, and Rafael wasn’t strong enough to face the prospect of having the man tell him just how low he’d sunk in his esteem. He couldn’t have Sonny look at him coldly, to dismiss him as not worthy of his time and affection, not when –Not when Rafael feltso muchfor him.The job offer from Iowa had been as good an opportunity as he could get on short notice, and with his professional life in an uproar and his private life non-existent, he’d gladly taken the chance to get out of New York.He’d always meant to come back, though.And now here he is, on his way to meet with his opponent of the upcoming trial.or: a companion piece to"exile"and Rafael's side of things.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Series: I was only for your very space [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2147100
Comments: 5
Kudos: 30





	Wisconsin

**Author's Note:**

> Hello my dears, I hope this day finds you well and healthy!!
> 
> Despite being a complete sucker for anything Christmas-related, I suck at writing Christmas fluff, so here's a companion piece to ["exile"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27937417). instead, explaining Rafael's thoughts. Since it's a companion, I also drew on some lyrics, in this case Bon Iver's ["Wisconsin"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjuHPNtr4gk&ab_channel=BonIver-Topic). It's not a 100% match of course, but that line "every place I go I take another place with me" hasn't left me alone ever since I first listened to the song, and I really really wanted to write something for it.
> 
> Hope you like, and I wish you a happy Christmas if you celebrate it, and if you don't, then please have a lovely end of the year and a healthy start into the new one!

**Wisconsin**

Being back in New York, back in One Hogan Place, even if it’s as a defense attorney, is an unexpectedly invigorating experience and Rafael has to bite back a grin all the way to the ADA’s office. And speaking of which – knowing that _Carisi_ of all people will be prosecuting is nothing short of _thrilling_ for Rafael. Not because he never expected it to happen, no. From the very first remark from Carisi’s side on, unwanted as they initially were, Rafael clearly recognised the inquisitive mind, the quick thinking that was required of anyone who wanted to practice law. He also saw his own burning passion for justice reflected in the other man, something that was as beneficial for the survivors as it was dangerous for Carisi. It had been dangerous for Rafael, too.

Somewhere during his career, Rafael’s passion for justice had bled into coming to care for the survivors. Wanting to protect them both in court and out there in a world that had already ripped them apart once, even though the only way he could do that was to work himself to the bone in order to ensure he got a conviction.

It was what put an end to his career as an assistant district attorney. It put an end to other things as well.

After the Householder trial, continuing like before was out of the question. Not only because no judge would ever listen to an ADA who got himself accused of murder, the acquittal notwithstanding. The verdict didn’t matter, because one single blemish on an ADA’s reputation was enough to reflect on the whole office. The whole ordeal certainly reflected on the state of Rafael’s mind.

He had been at the end of his rope, simple as that.

What’s worse, perhaps, is that he can’t pinpoint the start of the downward spiral that sapped all of his strength.

Sure, he’d always been more of an idealist than he wanted to admit, especially in the company of other lawyers with their shark’s instincts. Being empathetic wasn’t an advantage in corporate law, and so he had switched to criminal law and the prosecutor’s bench, much to Rita’s eternal amusement. Still, his desire to actually do some good and maybe create a precedent that would help put future perps behind bars didn’t mean he was a fool. Far from it, actually. He’d always known that nothing was a simple black or white, and he’d relished in moving among the grayscale, twisting and turning arguments in his favour. It was what a good lawyer did, after all, and Rafael had been _damned_ good.

So where had it all gone wrong?

Why had each case suddenly left him more exhausted than the previous one?

He’d tried to explain it to Olivia, how prolonged exposure to the world of SVU, and especially the detectives, had changed him. The young, brash junior ADA Rafael Barba used to be all about winning cases, and he hadn’t hesitated to employ unusual means to get what he wanted. But Liv had always fought with such tenacity for each and every victim, and she’d had the guts to challenge him whenever a plea deal or a jury decision wasn’t enough in her eyes. Through interacting with her, he’d been drawn closer to the squad and had gotten to know each of the detectives – their quirks and ambitions, and their demons, too, until the senior ADA Rafael Barba called them his friends, even if in his head only. He’d started to see the survivors like SVU did. Not just a docket number, not just a case, but human beings who had suffered horrible injuries and yet tried to move on – and he could actually do his part to ensure they could find closure. And God, he’d tried as much as he could, while staying true to the letter of the law.

In the end, it hadn’t been enough. Certainly not for the Householder family, and not for SVU. Rafael had left, because he couldn’t bear the thought of their stares, the whispers behind his back.

_Murderer._

He couldn’t bear the thought of Liv and Rollins, both mothers, putting themselves in Mrs. Householder’s shoes. He couldn’t bear the thought of Fin, a father and grandfather, wondering how he could have done something so cruel.

He couldn’t bear the thought of Carisi, a good Catholic and a _good man,_ being utterly disappointed in him, because he had tried to play God.

Leaving had been the only solution for this mess. A clean slate for him, a chance to rest and regroup and, just maybe, a way to invent himself as someone new.

Because that’s another thing that the SVU detectives showed him: Their jobs were a hugely important part of their lives, but wasn’t all they were. Rafael didn’t have to be just ADA Barba, the hardnosed king of snark the Bronx made him, the cold-blooded attorney that Harvard taught him to be. No, instead he could just be _Rafael_ , just the man, not the part he acted out for his daily audience. A man who felt deeply, who laughed occasionally, and who loved, if given a chance.

Nobody showed him more than Carisi, who somehow managed to preserve his inherent _goodness_ in the fact of all the misery SVU threw at him. He pestered Rafael with unwanted (but correct) legal insight, needled him to letting him shadow during trials, poked and prodded at Rafael’s defences until they became porous. Before long, Rafael had discovered that he listened to what Carisi had to say and looked out for the man, offering small words of veiled comfort whenever a case got to the detective especially hard.

Of course, that was just another reason why he had to leave.

Sonny is a family man, deeply Catholic, and Rafael wasn’t strong enough to face the prospect of having the man tell him just how low he’d sunk in his esteem. He couldn’t have Sonny look at him coldly, to dismiss him as not worthy of his time and affection, not when –

Not when Rafael felt _so much_ for him.

The job offer from Iowa had been as good an opportunity as he could get on short notice, and with his professional life in an uproar and his private life non-existent, he’d gladly taken the chance to get out of New York.

He’d always meant to come back, though.

And now here he is, on his way to meet with his opponent of the upcoming trial. Assistant District Attorney Dominick Carisi Jr., Esquire. To say that he’s proud would be a gross understatement.

He’s heard the stories, of course. Liv kept him up to date, in exchange for dinner and drinks as soon as they were able to, and he know all about Carisi’s first months in the DA’s office. The struggles, the frustration, how close he came to quitting and how he persevered and gotten a guilty verdict in his first solo trial.

But he honestly cannot wait to face Sonny in court. The prospect of seeing the man’s sharp intellect at work – working against _him -_ is all sorts of thrilling.

\---

“I’m going for straight up not guilty!”

As far as closing arguments go, these words definitely won’t be a part of the best-of-Rafael-Barba highlight reel, but it’s all Rafael has the presence of mind to throw back at Carisi while he makes to leave the man’s office.

The meeting went as expected, and yet Rafael feels off-balance.

There had been no words of welcome back, but that was okay. Rafael hadn’t said goodbye when he left and he hadn’t expected a welcome committee upon his return to the city. They talked about the case, tested the waters for a possible plea and then proceeded to throw one another’s suggestions out of the window. So far, so typical. Two lawyers preening and posturing before facing off in court.

What’s not typical, though, are the drawn lines in Carisi’s face, the bags under his eyes, the hair that somehow is nearly all silver now. Carisi looks stressed, and haggard, and not as content as he, frankly, should be, now that he’s finally where he wanted to be for so long.

Rafael knows all about the stress of being an ADA – running interference between the survivors and their families, the NYPD, the DA’s office as well as all the brass who like to meddle in high-profile cases. Add to that a desire to do well in one’s job and a genuine passion to get justice, well, it’s enough to run anyone into the ground. But even during the hard times, when there was nothing more to his day but work and sleep and maybe eat, Rafael loved his job.

Right now, Carisi looks like he has nothing to get him out of bed in the mornings, save for sheer iron will, and the sight hurts Rafael deeply. It’s wrong to see the normally upbeat and positive man so run down. It’s wrong not to be able to reach out and tease him, like Rafael used to do in the past, when some light banter between them would make Sonny roll his eyes but crack a smile all the same.

Their shop talk of a few minutes ago, discussing the case and precedent, that’s exciting but it’s not enough. Rafael wants what they used to be, no, he wants _more._

He wants the banter and the lighting-fast quips back and forth. He wants the quiet moments when they were deep in thought. He wants the serious conversations when the nights got long and the stacks of files didn’t grow smaller, when the case exhausted them and laid bare the parts of themselves they normally kept hidden, the kinds of conversations they had while Carisi shadowed him or that one afternoon at Dodds’ wake.

He wants Carisi’s respect, he wants his friendship, he wants –

He wants Sonny.

Any way he can get him.

But he knows which way he’d prefer.

No matter his abrupt departure, no matter the seemingly indifferent façade he put up, Rafael hasn’t stopped thinking about Sonny since he last saw him, at the precinct, shortly before it had all gone to shit. He’d tried not to perk up every time Liv mentioned him, tried not to read between the lines of e-mails and Skype conversations to find out how Sonny was doing. Even in Des Moines, his heart had clenched and his stomach had fluttered whenever a tall guy with blonde hair walked past. 

Rafael’s every waking thought turning to Sonny sooner or later is an inevitable fact of his life, because how could it be any different?

No sarcastic word, no sharp-witted insult could throw him off. He tore down all of Rafael’s defenses, and wasn’t deterred by what lay underneath. Somehow, Sonny saw Rafael, _really_ saw him, and still wanted to be close to him, or at least used to want it. Nowadays, Rafael doesn’t know where they stand, but he’s going to find out.

He only ever knew love as pain before. As the pain of shouts and punches thrown between his parents, as the pain of betrayed loyalty between him and Yelina, as the pain of missing true intimacy that no unsatisfactory one-night stand could lessen. Sonny never caused him any pain. With him, Rafael only associates the pain of his own shortcomings that he desperately wants to make right. More importantly, though, he wants to explore that deep-seated feeling of content that always came from being near Sonny, a reprieve to for all the ills of the world, like the rays of sun warming his face on a warm summer’s day.

He’s certain that with Sonny he could finally feel _home,_ in whatever way, and he’ll be damned if he lets this opportunity slip through his fingers.

_Cause every place I go I take another place with me_  
_Love is love’s reprieve_


End file.
